


to be a better brother

by nakayuz



Category: One Piece
Genre: ASL Brothers, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Marineford, Survivor Guilt, The Revolutionary Army (One Piece), Trauma, saboala
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26803300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakayuz/pseuds/nakayuz
Summary: sabo secretly suffers immense guilt for his brothers behind closed doors, hiding his feelings from the rest of the revolutionary army as best as he can manage, bottling said feelings up inside of him.but koala sees right through it.
Relationships: Koala/Sabo (One Piece), Monkey D. Luffy & Portgas D. Ace & Sabo, Portgas D. Ace & Sabo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	to be a better brother

**Author's Note:**

> a bit of a trigger warning for those reading i thought i should include!:  
> this work contains; (an attempt at >>) graphic imagery, dissociation, feelings of numbness, nightmares, and mentions of death and afterlife.
> 
> all in all, i just wanted to write a little angsty hurt/comfort fic, as it's been a while since i've done so. i'm not too good at writing either of these characters (despite sabo being my favorite LOL), but, i gave it a shot regardless.
> 
> i hope you enjoy! ^^

the forest’s fog that morning was heavy and dense, making running through it incredibly difficult. one could try and shove the fog out of the way, but the small pocket would be filled immediately again. visibility was low, and it made sabo nervous, as he struggled to keep up as to not lose his brother who was just a couple feet in front of him. 

“sabo, keep up!” sabo’s brother yelled, and he could notice a hand waving for him to catch up. sabo gasps for air, feeling as though more fog than oxygen entered his lungs, and he coughs, his pace slowing but he picks up.

“a-“ he hacks once more, “ace, slow down, will you?” sabo gets a mocking laugh in response. he wasn’t sure where he was being brought. all he knows is that ace came rushing to him early in the morning at the grey terminal, the smell of dew apparent and the sun just barely bringing itself over the horizon. ace had laughed as sabo yelped being woken up so suddenly on his makeshift bed of newspapers and cloth blankets. 

_i have something to show you- quick before the sun rises!_

and now, he was chasing after him through the thick fog of the forest rather than following him. sabo was lucky he knew his way around this forest- knowing when to jump if there was a big tree root or log or when to duck in case a leaf full branch was at eye level popped up was a useful skill. 

“quicker sabo, the sun...!” ace started to run faster, sounding panicked as sabo suddenly lost view of him in the fog.

“hey- hey ace!” sabo tries to call out for his brother, trying hard to run quicker, only for his legs to grow heavy, feeling weak as he tried as hard as he could to run and catch up. he can hear ace still, leaves and sticks cracking beneath his shoes, and he knew he wasn’t that far- but still. it made him incredibly nervous for no reason at all. 

sabo’s panting grows as he continues to try and run, squeezing his eyes shut in a final burst of energy, running with all of his might when he remembers a root was coming up. he doesn’t try to jump, and his foot catches it, causing him to fall a good few feet as he yelps and groans, feeling his face scratch up some. 

finally, he skids to a stop, panting heavily, eyes still shut as he tries to catch his breath and allow the pain to die down before he tries to get up again. ace must be far ahead now-

“hey, sabo, what are you doing?” he hears ace laugh. “come on, get up. we made it.”

sabo’s eyes open and he looks forward, craning his head to see ace’s hand out, looking down at him with a smirk on his face. sabo huffs and reaches out for his hand, managing to stand on his two feet with the help of his brother. he dusts himself off and looks back at ace, then around at his surroundings.

the trees seem to stop, and the land extends a bit further as a cliff, overlooking the ocean and the sun at the horizon. sabo’s mouth is agape at the sight- the sunrise was still early luckily, lazily rising up as its rays cast light upon the world. the oceans caps shined with the light, the waves lower than usual. there wasn’t a single cloud in sight, only a couple of birds flying in the distance. all of this, with a small cliff. the grass was short and there were a couple of wild flowers adding color the green. sabo looks behind him, back at the forest with massive trees full of moss and animals and danger- and it all just stops at this one cliff.

“cool, isn’t it?” ace says and sabo turns back round, watching his brother walk towards the edge of the cliff. “i found this a while back. i thought i could show you too-“ ace turns on his heels and flashes a grin, chuckling slightly, “it looks better at sunrise and sunset.”

sabo opens his mouth to say something, maybe along the lines of _why didn’t you bring me at sunset then_ , but smiles instead. then he laughs, shaking his head at his brother. “it’s really nice up here. is this where you disappear to?”

“i go here to get away.” ace looks up, at the sky, still relatively dark but now with a slow gradient forming within it from the light. “i like looking at the ocean.” then he looks back at sabo. “i want to leave this island as soon as possible, sabo.”

sabo exhales. “i know. me too.” he takes a couple steps forward, watching how the sun rises up behind his brother, the light illuminating his dark hair, a dark shadow being cast down in front of him. “we’ll be free one day, ace.”

“free...” ace smiles. the light grows as the sun rises more. “say, sabo, can i ask you something?”

sabo hums, moving his hand to cover his eyes- some of the light was almost blinding him.

“why weren’t you there?”

the question turns sabo’s blood cold. “huh?”

“i said,” the sun completely rose behind ace, almost making it impossible to see him. his form changes in front of sabo’s eyes, watching him grow in height, his shoulders broadening and face maturing. his outfit changes, just to simple red beads around his neck and black shorts with boots. his expression is solemn, “why weren’t you there?”

“ace,” sabo’s now the same, taller, longer hair, a scar burned into his left eye, a coat with its cape now catching the sudden sea wind flowing into the forest. “ace i-“

suddenly a fist runs itself through ace’s abdomen, a red so dark its almost black, and so hot smoke pours from it. there’s a smell of burning flesh and a splatter of blood hits sabo’s cheek. “why- weren’t you...” ace tries to speak, voice weak as he coughs, blood spewing from his mouth as the light in his eyes goes out.

“ _ace!!_ ”

sabo screams, sitting up and throwing his arms out. his surroundings are dark, and he feels incredibly sweaty, blankets covering his legs as his consciousness finally makes sense of what’s happening. he can feel tears welling in his eyes and he lets them pour, a sob escaping his throat as his arms fall to the bedsheets. 

“ace...” sabo’s mouth is dry, his voice coming out raspy as he hangs his head and cries, sobbing heavily with his tears falling onto his sheets. 

it takes him a good minute or two to let it out, not wanting to be too loud. who knows how late it was in the first place? he pulls the blankets off, feeling sticky and overall, off. with the growing feeling of numbness taking over his body, sabo decides to cold shower, knowing the icy water on his skin will bring him back to his senses.

he opens the door to his bedroom, peering out into the lit halls of the baltigo base. same bland color and bright lights, everyone’s doors were closed. though sabo is second command, he opt to sleep near the rest of his colleagues rather than his own suite near the back with dragon. though, most of the higher ups, sabo included, didn’t sleep much anyway. and with the new nightmares plaguing his sleep much more frequent than before, it was rare he even got a few hours.

it’s been only a couple weeks since the events of the paramount war, since sabo’s memories all flooded back to him with a simple newspaper reading and announcement of his brother’s death. it was horrible, never, ever did he want to have to experience something like that again. yet for the days he was out cold, that experience repeated itself. he relived his memories returning at least a thousand times before he woke up to find his closest friends with him.

over and over again, nonstop relivingof the worst experience in his life. it was almost like purgatory.

sabo makes it to the shared men’s bathroom- it was easier for there to be one big one than multiple small ones. all of the revolutionary army often stayed here. however, there were some private showers within it, and that’s exactly what he chooses. 

the water is cold, very cold. it feels like ice on sabo’s skin, running down his back and shuddering as the nerves in his body begin to wake up again. the numbness washes with the water down the drain, and sabo sighs, closing his eyes to avoid getting any in his eyes. he doesn’t try to think, in fact he knows he probably can’t at all. his mind is blank, and while he may be up and awake, he still feels absent from his surroundings. he feels as though he resided more in the back of his mind, his body going through their own motions, almost like he’s on autopilot. cold showers can’t help with that.

sabo stays under the shower head for some minutes longer and then turns it off, feeling relatively better in terms of physical feeling. he opts to put on the clothes he had on before bed, a collared nightshirt, and baggy pants. he doesn’t bother to dry himself more thoroughly before he’s out of the washroom once again, wandering through the lit halls of the base, small drops of water dripping from the edge of his hair.

no one seems to be awake, surprisingly- either that, or they’ve all retreated to some room of the place. he knows very well dragon is awake, maybe not even indoors. but he doesn’t want to see him. even with the strange, increasing need for someone to just he there with him, he decides to leave the man alone. no need to burden him when he’s working. 

instead, sabo finds a balcony, one that’s rather far from his room and closest to the cafeteria. he walks out into the night- it’s chilly. the land is barren as always with trash and boulders riddled throughout. the light from the hallways shine through a couple of windows, illuminating just enough for him to make out the railing of the balcony. sabo sets his hands gently on it, leaning against it as he looks up at the dark sky, and purses his lips at the new moon. he wishes it were out, but the sight of the millions of stars were good enough for him. 

sabo sighs once more, letting himself shiver to a gust of a wind. his mind wanders to ace again as he studies the stars. he wonders if ace was with them. maybe looking back down at him. yet sabo knows it’s impossible. he doesn’t believe in the afterlife. not in ghosts, not in demons, not even in angels. he’s never believed once in those type of things. maybe because death was almost never something he thought about. he would have sought after it if he were never free. it seems like the farthest thing from him, no matter how much danger he maybe in.

and now, death seemed to loom over him; tall and casting a heavy shadow over him. and he hopes, despite his lack of belief, he hopes that maybe ace is somewhere. he wants a sign. he wants something- _anything._ he never got see his brother as an adult, wouldn’t _sabo_ of all people deserve it?

sabo clenches his teeth, hanging his head. and if ace really were somewhere, sabo believes he’d hate him. hate him for leaving him and their younger brother alone for so many years, hate him for not showing up to marineford, hate him for not going after luffy immediately after the news- hate him for losing his memory. sabo grips the railing with a sharp inhale.

who was to blame here? he thought. was it the world? his parents? the celestial dragon? the marines? the war, the whitebeard pirates, akainu? _was is ace? was it luffy? was it sabo_?

sabo doesn’t know who to blame for what anymore. his eyes well up with tears, biting his lip. he can’t help but believe that he failed as a brother. the revolutionary army was currently locating where ace had been buried, so sabo could visit- but was he allowed? after allowing him to die like that, and letting luffy handle it alone? 

and then, sabo cries. he sobs, allowing himself to be a little louder than he was before. but, no one wants to see their chief cry, and he has to plant a hand over his mouth to keep himself from getting any louder. 

he missed ace. he missed luffy. and all he wants, is for them both to be there with them. he doesn’t believe in ghosts, demons, or angels. but he wants ace to loom over him rather than the apparition of death. he doesn’t want ace to hate him. sabo knows it’s wrong to feel this way. of course, ace won’t hate him, he knows he’d be happy to realize he was alive all this time, maybe ace could rest easier knowing their little brother still had family left. yet, sabo feels such an intense amount of guilt- he just doesn’t know what to feel yet.

sabo doubles over the railing, hand still clamped over his mouth. he swears he can feel his heart tearing apart, its fragile tissue dissolving in his body as the muscle tears completely in two. it’s painful, but he knows his heart is just fine. his emotional pain is only having a physical effect is all. that’s happened a lot.

“sabo-kun- are you okay?”

sabo didn’t even notice the sound of the balcony door open or the footsteps onto it, and he jumps, whipping around to see koala, a foot forward and a worried expression. his eyes widen, and he immediately wipes his tears, shaking his head and looks up again.

“were you crying? sabo-kun?”

“koala, hey,” sabo tries to smile, but it’s pathetic and practically see through. compared with his red face and now swelling eyes, it just makes the attempt sad. “what’s up?”

“what are you doing out here?” she tries to step forward again but sabo pushes back more against the railing, and she stops. “i finished some work and was walking the halls, and i saw you out here.”

“i’m just relaxing, it’s all okay.” if anyone had to catch him, it had to be koala. anyone else would have walked right past, probably a bit weary of disturbing the chief. but she’s different. always has been. always the one to call him out on reckless plans and scold him when it was appropriate. he thought she’d begin scolding him any minute now, as he still was unsure of how late it was and that he should be getting some sleep, but instead, she doesn’t. koala gently shakes her head.

“mind if i stand here with you?” she asks, folding her arms. sabo’s taken a bit aback. he wants someone here. he does. and out of everyone, it should be koala, right? and yet...

“it’s fine koala, go ahead and go to bed.” sabo turns back around, back to the barren sight of baltigo and to railing. he notices some of his tear drops on it and quickly wipes those off too. “i’ll be heading to bed soon too, anyway.”

“you’re so rude, sabo-kun.” he swears he can hear her cheeks puff out as she walks towards him and stops next to him at the railing, resting her arms on them as she matches his gaze to the land of baltigo. from the corner of his eye she can see her, just barely, and his mind is eased slightly. he really did need the company.

the two are quiet for a long time. sabo’s mind is quiet too, and he’s more so enjoying the presence of his partner in crime than anything. the night doesn’t feel as cold when she’s with him. 

“sabo-kun, you’re second in command.” koala breaks the silence, and sabo hums slightly in response. “but that doesn’t mean you have to be so strong all the time.”

sabo’s caught off guard, and he visibly gulps. “i have... no idea what you’re talking about.” sure, it may be obvious to his colleagues that something was off with their chief, but it doesn’t mean said chief should give in. he had a duty to fulfill and an organization to lead. he had to be better than his feelings.

“i know you’re crying almost every night.” koala shakes her head. “your eyes are always puffy in the morning. sometimes i’ll pass by your room and hear you.” sabo’s gone pale. “ever since you woke up from your coma, you haven’t been right.”

“i’ll get back on track soon then, there’s no need to worry, ko-“

“bullshit!” she yells and turns to look at him, but sabo refuses to meet her eyes. “are you listening to me?”

“as the second chief in command of the revolutionary army, i have a job i need to uphold- there are people counting on me.” sabo’s voice rises. “just because my brother is dead doesn’t mean i should stop filling that role!”

“and how can you fill it when you’re like this every day?” koala says. “your brother died, sabo-kun, and you never got to see him. how are you forcing yourself not to feel it?”

“i am feeling it...!” sabo’s voice cracks and he squeezes his eyes shut. “i feel it every second of the day!”

koala’s quiet, knowing very well what she is doing, and sabo gives in. he hangs his head. “i think about it every second of the day. from the moment my eyes open in the morning to the moment they close. and even at night my dreams are still full of him.

“why couldn’t i have just _been_ there?” sabo’s voice begins to waver. “why did it have to be ace? why luffy, why _us_?” koala noticed a couple tears in his shut eyes. “and why couldn’t it have been me? i wasn’t even in their life for 10 years, if i was replaced maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard for them or the world.

“maybe i shouldn’t go and see ace’s grave.” sabo’s voice has died down to a whisper. “call off the search for it.”

“you’re saying you don’t want to go?” she says.

sabo’s fists clench and his lips purse. he can just hardly see koala shake her head and then he hears her sigh. “sabo-kun.” she moves towards him, and he’s forced to look up at her as she cups his face in her hands. they’re cold, he notes, her gloves are off. she uses her thumbs to gently wipe the tears from his eyes.

“please.” she says, “let yourself feel for once. of all the years i’ve known you, you hardly once dwelled on your memories. any normal person would be frantically searching for answers. but you didn’t. they're back now, sabo-kun... you have to stop acting like they’re still gone.” sabo squeezes his eyes shut again. koala lets her hands fall to his shoulders.

“sabo-kun, you know who you are now. it’s time to stop pretending. you have two brothers who care for you, you know they couldn’t be mad.” the tears that were wiped away before have returned, and even still he holds back. “you’ll see ace-kun, tell him about your life when you get there. tell him you have been in good hands here with the revolutionaries. cry.” sabo lets a sob escape. “you’ll meet luffy-kun in due time. it’s your turn to look over your little brother. don’t you think ace-kun would want that?”

sabo nods. 

koala smiles gently. “just let it out, sabo-kun. you have no need to hold anything back anymore.” a hand of hers then moves to the back of sabo’s head as she pulls him gently down to her, wrapping her arms around his shoulder as he lets himself be embraced by his partner, he buries his face in her shoulder and hesitantly moves his arms around her waist. "you've been strong for all of us, we all let ourselves be vulnerable and you were the one to step up for us. now it's your turn, we'll be the strong ones for you now."

sabo starts to sob more and more, a little heavier each time as his tears soak her shirt. koala only hugs him tight, rubbing circles into his back as the other hand stays on his blond hair. she makes sure to subtly let him know she won’t let go until he’s through. sabo pulls her closer, crying loudly, finally letting some of the feelings that have been bottled up within him out. koala only consoles him, whispering comforting words to him as he cries, knowing the shared pain from his brothers is finally reaching him.

“i just... want to be a better brother...!” sabo manages between sobs, “ _ace_...! _luffy_!” all he can say now are his brother’s names, while the attempts are more so drowned out by his cries. 

koala stays true to her promise and continues to hold him as long as he needed that night. he cried for a good while, and she kept comforting him with a hug, rocking him or whispering kind words that usually weren’t heard from her. other revolutionaries, of course, saw and heard their chief, but only smiled to themselves- “ _finally_.”

eventually sabo calmed down, now only sniffling and attempting to steady his breathing. he still didn’t let go of koala, only trying to lean closer into her hug.

“sabo-kun?” she speaks up, and sabo hums lightly in response. “are you okay?”

“koala...” sabo’s voice is weak and hoarse, the crying must have exhausted him, physically and mentally, but he feels as though something has been lifted off his shoulders. while he still may bear the weight of so much, at least for now, a lot has disappeared, and his mind has eased. “thank you...”

koala exhales through her nose, smiling lightly, “you shouldn’t thank me.” she tries to pull away, but he only pulls closer.

“a little longer... please?”

koala’s face flushes, and she can’t help but let him do what he pleases. she wraps her arms around him once again. “idiot... i’m going to make sure you get it later, worrying me so much like this.”

sabo chuckles lightly, one could hardly hear it. “i know.”

koala exhales once again, and sabo smiles into her shirt. while he knows the guilt won’t be gone for a long time, but he feels free from that mindset for now. he feels secure in koala’s arms, safe- and he knows that she’s right. he decides right then and there to see ace when his colleagues find the information on it. he decides that he will meet luffy when the time comes. decides to be a better brother. sabo still doesn’t believe in ghosts or angels, but he knew if ace was watching him, he’d be proud. happy that he was alive. happy to know sabo had someone to take care of him, as his job now was to take care of luffy. and for now, sabo settles with that, finally letting himself enjoy the sense of security he feels and the guilt free mindset he has, letting himself feel.

he makes one more final decision: that he will move forward- for the revolutionary army’s sake. for his brother’s sake. and for koala, too.


End file.
